I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
