my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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