I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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