I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
