she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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