The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
