sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
