I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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