Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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