I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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