He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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