I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Sorry about my life...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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