fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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