I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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