he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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