You can't motorboat a personality
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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