she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
