I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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