Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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