Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
