i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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