u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
