i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He has the fingertips of a God
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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