Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
These tits shall not be calmed
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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