giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
