I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
