and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
