can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
