my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
