i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
