i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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