Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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