i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
