Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
