well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I love having hate sex.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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