I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
