i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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