please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
