friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
