doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
