i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
