My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
