I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
