really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
