The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
