Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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