Too much gin, very little bucket
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just gift wrapped bread.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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