I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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