I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
