dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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