Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
